USE your imagination! Play with it ! I have been talking to my body for over 20 years in this way and I can guarantee you that this method works in an amazing way, even on my very first try! But of course practice will make it easier and more effective for you :)
Just as an aside. I am always looking for faster more effective ways to heal and this one fits the bill. Once you get good at it, it can take you under an hour of quick scribbling, reviewing and reducing until you are a left with a sentence that will bring you enlightenment. It's deeply effective and once you master this technique you can move on to giving body parts and diseases a bit of personality and begin to dialogue your way out of illnesses. All fun, all harmless and all remarkably effective. My kind of "work" !!!
To start, all you need is a paper and pen and then IMAGINE the area of pain or disease and try to describe it (write on paper) what it looks like.... as if you had to DESCRIBE it to someone else!
Write down some headings to do with your senses, (touch, look, sound, taste, smell etc..) What is it's color, texture, feel, size, etc...and scribble down ALL THE ADJECTIVES you can think of, on to your paper under each of your headings (ie: color; red, dark red, like a blood red, a thick oozy red....) Then when you are done and have filled up a sizable portion of your page of paper (!) with adjectives, glance at what you have, and pick the adjectives that stick out the most for you or that have been the most repeated by the use of similar words or ones with similiar meanings. (ie; oily, slick, slippery...) Then do the exercise again using those keys words. For example, say the word 'hard' sticked out the most for you, so do this next ....think about what the word "hard" means to you, ie; mean, cold, unapproachable, protective, too protective .... on and on. And then quickly review and reduce the list again. What happens when you have done this a few times, you are actually left with just a FEW KEY WORDS which are a description of your disease or pain that will help you to know it better and why you have it.
Congratulations, you have just successfully dove into the womb of your mind ! You avoided the direct and ineffective old way of coping (which clearly wasn't working anymore) and you have discovered another way into your own deeper mind. You have begun to learn a new language based on symbols. A language particular to you and your unconscious mind which will open new pathways for you into self knowledge and ergo self healing.
All good :)
Blessings to You
J.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Menopausal Musings
Background:
Lots of successful experience of healing from various diseases and issues, doesn't mean that I am not very slow at times, to realize that I can apply the same techniques to something that is currently happening! For example, with my skin cancer, it was weeks and weeks before I started applying my own solutions and again, with perimenopausal symptoms, it was four years before I stopped to have a deeper look see! Sometimes I am too busy coping and sometimes it takes for a pattern to emerge between my behaviour and then my (dis-ease) response, before the old brain starts to kick in :)
The following is a recent dialogue I had with my menopausal symptoms for the first time in four years. It was very revealing and after reading about my experience, I hope you might try this technique for yourself - (on this issue or some other dis-ease) as it can be a very helpful and comforting process. At the very least, it seems to stop the need to spend needless energy 'fighting' one's self ..... and it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship :)
NOTE: Just speed read as if two people were talking :)
Hello Menopausal Symptoms
Hello Janice
You know don't you, that I have come to hate you and to fear you.
Holy Crap, that's it, that's how you welcome me, this is how you meet me?
Yup, that's pretty much it. I am pretty angry, pretty pissed.
Pissed at me??
Duh, well, yeah! You have pretty much f....ed my life around, turned it upside down and inside out, and speaking of inside out. HELLO! Which is inside and which is outside? One minute I'm freezing and the next I'm dripping in hot sweat, I mean what the f... is up with THAT? What the f... is up with you???
Me? You accuse me of changing you? Of making you different? of hurting you?
Yes, I do.
Well pray tell me, how have I hurt you, I mean really hurt you?
Well I haven't been able to work.
Truth tell.
Well, I do work, I work a lot, okay maybe I am a bit of a workaholic, but I don't exactly bring in money.
But you could?
Yes (sigh) I easily could. I just chose not to.
And what else have I done to hurt you?
Well, my main relationship keeps going from good to better, so I guess you haven't done anything but help there, in fact I think he understands me better from seeing me cope with you and the changes you make in my body.
And what else have you been doing in the last four years since I have been visiting?
Got several certificates, two more degrees, quit smoking, lost weight (and kept it off), made good friends, healed from coilitis and skin cancer, was able to be with my dog during the last years of his wonderful life, built a really fantastic relationship, did reno's on our home, meditated, started studying A Course In Miracles, worked on a website, learned computer skills, wrote, studied daily, overall ~ I have become very happy in all areas of my life.
And so again, tell me how I have hurt you!
Well.... apparently ... you haven't hurt me at all. Distracted me maybe, slowed me down for sure :) because I know without you being around, I would have been working full time at some sort of regular job and coming home tired! I can see now that I have been creating this wonderful life, while I've been busy coping with all of the bodily changes you have brought my way. And by the way, I have been noticing that whenever I looked in certain directions you seemed to suddenly come full blast, slowing me down so much I felt like I was living and walking in a dense dark wet fog. Yet, I have come to believe that you are giving me a message to slow down whenever I am going in the wrong direction for me. Is this true ?
Uh huh :)
I thought so!! I was beginning to see this pattern over the last two years. And the slowing down, it felt unnatural, yet I would have to say that somewhere down deep, I felt love, but it was weird, because everything else in me wanted to speed up and take action (like get a regular job!). Yet, it wasn't too far along your visit that I began to see how you were changing me. I was beginning to feel more authentic... You do amazing work !
Humm :)
I still hate you though. And I mean that in the nicest way, I mean your methods suck, they are so annoying and petty and non-life threatening and sickening and never ending 24 hours a day. You really have a seemingly thankless job, one that might not be too popular. But I have grown to respect and admire you in ways I can even count or really measure. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you have done! You are amazing! And I promise that from now on I will try and follow my true path from my own will, so that you can plan on leaving me sooner than later :)
Your most welcome :)
Lots of successful experience of healing from various diseases and issues, doesn't mean that I am not very slow at times, to realize that I can apply the same techniques to something that is currently happening! For example, with my skin cancer, it was weeks and weeks before I started applying my own solutions and again, with perimenopausal symptoms, it was four years before I stopped to have a deeper look see! Sometimes I am too busy coping and sometimes it takes for a pattern to emerge between my behaviour and then my (dis-ease) response, before the old brain starts to kick in :)
The following is a recent dialogue I had with my menopausal symptoms for the first time in four years. It was very revealing and after reading about my experience, I hope you might try this technique for yourself - (on this issue or some other dis-ease) as it can be a very helpful and comforting process. At the very least, it seems to stop the need to spend needless energy 'fighting' one's self ..... and it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship :)
NOTE: Just speed read as if two people were talking :)
Hello Menopausal Symptoms
Hello Janice
You know don't you, that I have come to hate you and to fear you.
Holy Crap, that's it, that's how you welcome me, this is how you meet me?
Yup, that's pretty much it. I am pretty angry, pretty pissed.
Pissed at me??
Duh, well, yeah! You have pretty much f....ed my life around, turned it upside down and inside out, and speaking of inside out. HELLO! Which is inside and which is outside? One minute I'm freezing and the next I'm dripping in hot sweat, I mean what the f... is up with THAT? What the f... is up with you???
Me? You accuse me of changing you? Of making you different? of hurting you?
Yes, I do.
Well pray tell me, how have I hurt you, I mean really hurt you?
Well I haven't been able to work.
Truth tell.
Well, I do work, I work a lot, okay maybe I am a bit of a workaholic, but I don't exactly bring in money.
But you could?
Yes (sigh) I easily could. I just chose not to.
And what else have I done to hurt you?
Well, my main relationship keeps going from good to better, so I guess you haven't done anything but help there, in fact I think he understands me better from seeing me cope with you and the changes you make in my body.
And what else have you been doing in the last four years since I have been visiting?
Got several certificates, two more degrees, quit smoking, lost weight (and kept it off), made good friends, healed from coilitis and skin cancer, was able to be with my dog during the last years of his wonderful life, built a really fantastic relationship, did reno's on our home, meditated, started studying A Course In Miracles, worked on a website, learned computer skills, wrote, studied daily, overall ~ I have become very happy in all areas of my life.
And so again, tell me how I have hurt you!
Well.... apparently ... you haven't hurt me at all. Distracted me maybe, slowed me down for sure :) because I know without you being around, I would have been working full time at some sort of regular job and coming home tired! I can see now that I have been creating this wonderful life, while I've been busy coping with all of the bodily changes you have brought my way. And by the way, I have been noticing that whenever I looked in certain directions you seemed to suddenly come full blast, slowing me down so much I felt like I was living and walking in a dense dark wet fog. Yet, I have come to believe that you are giving me a message to slow down whenever I am going in the wrong direction for me. Is this true ?
Uh huh :)
I thought so!! I was beginning to see this pattern over the last two years. And the slowing down, it felt unnatural, yet I would have to say that somewhere down deep, I felt love, but it was weird, because everything else in me wanted to speed up and take action (like get a regular job!). Yet, it wasn't too far along your visit that I began to see how you were changing me. I was beginning to feel more authentic... You do amazing work !
Humm :)
I still hate you though. And I mean that in the nicest way, I mean your methods suck, they are so annoying and petty and non-life threatening and sickening and never ending 24 hours a day. You really have a seemingly thankless job, one that might not be too popular. But I have grown to respect and admire you in ways I can even count or really measure. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you have done! You are amazing! And I promise that from now on I will try and follow my true path from my own will, so that you can plan on leaving me sooner than later :)
Your most welcome :)
Post Script: It's now the end of August and since writing the above blog entry I have not experienced any more menopausal symptoms. I am carefully going slowly as I plan new directions in my life and gingerly wait to see if the symptoms will reappear. So far so good, although it's killing me to move so slowly! This is hard for a Saggie and a speed freak like myself :) Still, all is good, very good.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A God Story
A God Story
I dedicate this true story to my friend Sandy B. who is unfortunately gone now, leaving behind, her two beautiful boys.
One afternoon, when I was in my late twenties, I was at home in Richmond with one of my two foster teenage girls. I was planning to visit my friend Sandy B that afternoon and so phoned her. I got an answer, but it wasn't her. I apologized and tried again. Then, I called repeatedly and even though I knew I was dialing correctly, the same woman kept answering! We both finally started up a conversation and both admitted that we felt drawn to talk and to meet each other! Apparently she lived nearby with her husband and she invited both of us to dinner that same day.
I felt that God/Spirit was up to something and I was eager to go. I loved this kind of adventure and had wanted an opportunity to share something like this with my foster daughter.
We went and we were both impressed by the woman's lovely home, her style, and the dinner she served to us, her company and family. And when the dinner was over, the woman then started to talk about the recent painful death of her sister. (My foster daughter sat up straighter at this point, waiting !) It was obvious this woman was really raw and deeply hurting. And at the same time it also became quite apparent that her husband wasn't able to accept or understand her grief. He was kind of rolling his eyes about her choice of conversation, but we kept encouraging her to talk anyways, as it was clear that she needed support.
She then asked the both of us into another room to see a scrapbook she had made of her sister's life. This was something she had recently made for her sister's funeral and it was amazing:) Then she picked up another item and passed it to me while saying, " I have such an urge to read this book and I don't know where to start and my husband gets mad when I look at it". (I thought my foster daughter's eyes were going to pop out of her head at this moment.) It was a bible.
I took the bible from her hands and opened it up to Psalm 23, suggesting she start there. With suddenly weak knees, we all sat down on the floor while I read it to her out loud. She was deeply moved and started to cry and began to release some of her blocked up grief. We left shortly afterwards, feeling that our 'job' was done and I slipped her the name of a local pastor she could call if she wished.
My teenager was so excited to see God/Spirit work in this wonderful way! Once we got home, we talked a lot about how weird and fun and somehow normal it had all seemed:) Plus, I pointed out how all of us had gotten our needs met. She had had her first alcoholic fancy shmancy drink at dinner with adults, and I (a foodie) had a fabulous meal, and the stranger, the woman on the other end of the phone, had received the exact help she had prayed for!
It was an interesting and amazing day !
...Sweet Memories Sandy - Love and Peace :)
I dedicate this true story to my friend Sandy B. who is unfortunately gone now, leaving behind, her two beautiful boys.
One afternoon, when I was in my late twenties, I was at home in Richmond with one of my two foster teenage girls. I was planning to visit my friend Sandy B that afternoon and so phoned her. I got an answer, but it wasn't her. I apologized and tried again. Then, I called repeatedly and even though I knew I was dialing correctly, the same woman kept answering! We both finally started up a conversation and both admitted that we felt drawn to talk and to meet each other! Apparently she lived nearby with her husband and she invited both of us to dinner that same day.
I felt that God/Spirit was up to something and I was eager to go. I loved this kind of adventure and had wanted an opportunity to share something like this with my foster daughter.
We went and we were both impressed by the woman's lovely home, her style, and the dinner she served to us, her company and family. And when the dinner was over, the woman then started to talk about the recent painful death of her sister. (My foster daughter sat up straighter at this point, waiting !) It was obvious this woman was really raw and deeply hurting. And at the same time it also became quite apparent that her husband wasn't able to accept or understand her grief. He was kind of rolling his eyes about her choice of conversation, but we kept encouraging her to talk anyways, as it was clear that she needed support.
She then asked the both of us into another room to see a scrapbook she had made of her sister's life. This was something she had recently made for her sister's funeral and it was amazing:) Then she picked up another item and passed it to me while saying, " I have such an urge to read this book and I don't know where to start and my husband gets mad when I look at it". (I thought my foster daughter's eyes were going to pop out of her head at this moment.) It was a bible.
I took the bible from her hands and opened it up to Psalm 23, suggesting she start there. With suddenly weak knees, we all sat down on the floor while I read it to her out loud. She was deeply moved and started to cry and began to release some of her blocked up grief. We left shortly afterwards, feeling that our 'job' was done and I slipped her the name of a local pastor she could call if she wished.
My teenager was so excited to see God/Spirit work in this wonderful way! Once we got home, we talked a lot about how weird and fun and somehow normal it had all seemed:) Plus, I pointed out how all of us had gotten our needs met. She had had her first alcoholic fancy shmancy drink at dinner with adults, and I (a foodie) had a fabulous meal, and the stranger, the woman on the other end of the phone, had received the exact help she had prayed for!
It was an interesting and amazing day !
...Sweet Memories Sandy - Love and Peace :)
A Meditation on Rejection
A Meditation on
Rejection
Years ago, when I was going through a difficult time I meditated on the word REJECTION.
After some time it came to me that rejection is something that happens to us
Years ago, when I was going through a difficult time I meditated on the word REJECTION.
After some time it came to me that rejection is something that happens to us
~ when we don't have the courage to do what we need to do ~
This knowledge kind of takes the 'sting' out of it! And hopefully as you experience the value of following your true path you will eventually arrive at that place where you see that the rejection was actually a friend, not a foe.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
My Relationship With My Cancer
In May 2007 one day in the bathroom, I noticed the light catch a shiny surface on my skin located on my upper chest area about the size of a dime, slightly raised and for some reason it reminded me of a tiny ice skating pond. I knew instinctively it was alien to my body and it was skin cancer.
I had a trip planned that I didn't want to miss, so I chose to wait to see my doctor when I got back. The funny thing is, that on the trip I showed the spot to a woman and she announced very confidently that it definitely wasn't skin cancer and that I shouldn't worry! That thought seemed to make me happy for the time being and it wasn't until months later when the light caught it again under the bathroom lights that I let the truth hit home.
Meanwhile at the start of the year I had returned part-time to a highly stressful and dysfunctional work environment, where a noticeable number of people were being diagnosed with a variety of cancers. I felt bad being there amongst the angst and felt that somehow the cancer was trying to tell us something, in particular me - as that is when mine came.
I have an aversion to needles so as soon as I was sent by my doctor to a skin specialist I was given a type of topical chemotherapy cream that works by destroying only cancer cells. As my spot was in a visible place, close to my face and neck area, this type of treatment is more popular due to less potential scarring. It all seemed to happen so fast and there I was, taping myself up religiously, every day for weeks applying this cream twice a day. But somehow I felt bad, rushed kind of , and sort of carried along - when normally I would have stopped and collected myself and searched out more kinder and natural means of self healing. Everything was just fast, fast, fast and people's reactions were clear CANCER =FEAR and Fear = Fight.
Although I didn't like what was happening and nor did I like the pain resulting from the use of this cream, it took me a full 7 weeks before I slowed down enough to begin to treat myself my way. It had been 3 weeks since the end of my last treatment and the specialist agreed with me that although some of it had been removed (a simple procedure by tweezers lifting the dead skin away) it appeared that there was maybe still some activity there. I knew that, because I could feel the cancer spot heat up, - but not all the time.
I was informed that the next step would be to have to cut some of it off for a specific diagnosis (to access cancer services etc..) and I knew that this could be dangerous because it only takes one cancer cell to be 'disturbed' and to move away and down into my body without anyone knowing. Also there would be scarring and it would show. I decided then to wait until I calmed down.
At that point I finally decided to talk to my cancer.
In my mind's eye or imagination I looked over and down to my right and I asked my spot what it was trying to say to me. And boy, a very pouty voice came rushing out. "I told you not to go back to that job!". I was stunned, it was a pouty voice and I never pouted...."Exactly!" my Higher Self informed me, "Why would you have ever tried to pout as a child when there were no parents around to hear or react to you ?" Oh! Good point, I thought to myself. This makes sense, the pouty voice must have been in the shadow side of myself.
So I said to the spot. " Holy Cow, that's it... You want me to quite my job?!" (yet, again, I thought to myself - as I had already left after 13 long years) "Yes!" "You had promised that you would never go back!" I gulped, the cancer spot was right.
I knew it was right, and there was more I knew, judging by the number of people I was currently working with who had been diagnosed with all kinds of serious cancers. Something was really wrong with this job... for me anyways.
My spot had been heating up a lot and when I promised it immediately I would quit my job, it cooled down !!!
I gave my notice and then I used my extra time to talk more with my cancer.
In my mind's eye I went as a male General to visit with the male General of the cancer community. I had read somewhere on the net, that cancer cells are nonaerobic, so my plan was to make friends with them and get them moving in the hopes of killing them off!
My General met with the Cancer General and we sat side by side on cloth sling back chairs on the desert landscape of my skin, as if we were sunning ourselves. We greeted each other respectfully whilst at the same time knowing that we were each on extreme guard.
We had a cool non alcoholic drink and sat and made small talk. All the while I could see his troops (the cancer cells busy back at their little community) we both pretended we had all the time in the world to sit and drink and chat.
We instinctively sensed strength in each other and we had an inherent respect for one another. We knew we wanted to find a solution without going to war.
My General sincerely apologized for the chemotherapy cream and after explaining about the fear in the world right now about cancer and the compounded effects of the reactions of those around me, he understood why I had gone along with it, even though it hadn't felt right. He brought over a few of his key people and they heard my General apologize and then we all knew we were now on an even playing field. (Luckily ! I had given my notice at my job and had listened to the cancer sore, or I think I would have been toast by then!). At the very least I would have lost respect.
We talked and visited daily and I tried to get his troops to run, swim, move etc.. but it didn't seem to do anything expect provide them with something to do, other than grow and spread. So I guess that was a good thing.....
And in the physical world I began to notice that when I did things that were not in my highest good, the cancer spot would heat up and when I made decisions that were in my best interests, it would cool down. This pattern became more apparent over time and I began to start to view my cancer as a kind of barometer of sorts and I started to feel friendlier towards it. The spot would also grow or shrink depending on the level of self care I aspired to and even my partner witnessed the changes in it's size and shape. I began to learn what improved self care looked like for me. And I began to really pay attention and listen.
My cancer had become my new friend and now I didn't want to get 'rid' of it. It would heat up at times which would cause me to look deeper into myself and my activities until I found the places I needed to change.
Occasionally when I would visit my family doctor she would admit that there were changes in the sore spot but she was stubborn in her stance to get rid of it saying, "Yes, BUT it is still there". And it seemed as if she and I were symbolically like the two generals. She with one opinion and me with another, yet both still respecting each other's position, while still staying watchful.
One day I went back and talked to my cancer again. General to General, we both admitted we could kill each other. He me, by going inside and me him, by cutting him out of this host body. Still neither of us, were ready to act.
My doctor had left me with this thought and this question? If I did as it asked and quit my job, why is it still here? I couldn't answer this and then I noticed the sore heating up and growing a bit. Why, why, why, I asked myself? And one day I admitted to myself, that I had been waiting until this September to decide about actually going back to my job on a very casual basis AND I HAD BEEN CAUGHT. My cancer had known of my secret plans and this is why it wasn't going anywhere!
It was small, it was stubborn, but it was honest brave and true. It had a whole body (and mind) to fight and it didn't budge. I couldn't believe the denial I had gone into, thinking that going back to that job was a solution. I didn't have one friend or family member (or answer to prayer) that thought it was a good idea, so why had I ? I had to go deep into myself to find the answer to that one. And again, I had to promise my cancer spot that I wouldn't go back.
I also had noticed that my sore looked different to me now in my mind's eye. Before it had been symbolically black, as if the cells were oil slicked and heavy but now it was looking like tall black reeds with small button tops, and they were actually swaying like reeds in a gentle current. So something was going on, but I wasn't sure what it was.
Then someone I loved began to have a horrible experience with this work place (although this took place in another city). It was awful to witness and it brought back many memories of injustices and heartbreak I had seen there, watching humans behave badly towards others. I had actually forgotten most of this stuff and I now saw this job had lost it's heart a long time ago and was like a dying system, due to impermeable boundaries. Hard on the outside and empty on the inside.
After supporting my loved ones through their trauma I rested and let go of that stress. Then my General went back this time contritely and humbly to my cancer spot with a big thank you for hanging in there. They were a small community, a small troop, were barely heard and yet they had hung in there waiting for me to come from my heart once again. They had known all along that I had forgotten so much and that because of that forgetting I was still vulnerable to going back. My General spoke for my whole self in saying that my cancer was my hero and my friend. I was (and am) very grateful.
I now began sensing that the cancer was looking different to me because it was telling me that it was ready to leave now. It's job is done. So, I made an appointment to see my doctor who quickly made an appointment with a specialist for next week, but to me, everything felt peaceful and done.
Postscript: I attended the specialist's office where I was perfunctorily informed that this was only a scar, (a scar from what? I thought, I had, had no injury). But he appeared too busy to talk, although he did look over my upper torso and away I went. My body the scene of a quiet adventure, one he would never know.
I had a trip planned that I didn't want to miss, so I chose to wait to see my doctor when I got back. The funny thing is, that on the trip I showed the spot to a woman and she announced very confidently that it definitely wasn't skin cancer and that I shouldn't worry! That thought seemed to make me happy for the time being and it wasn't until months later when the light caught it again under the bathroom lights that I let the truth hit home.
Meanwhile at the start of the year I had returned part-time to a highly stressful and dysfunctional work environment, where a noticeable number of people were being diagnosed with a variety of cancers. I felt bad being there amongst the angst and felt that somehow the cancer was trying to tell us something, in particular me - as that is when mine came.
I have an aversion to needles so as soon as I was sent by my doctor to a skin specialist I was given a type of topical chemotherapy cream that works by destroying only cancer cells. As my spot was in a visible place, close to my face and neck area, this type of treatment is more popular due to less potential scarring. It all seemed to happen so fast and there I was, taping myself up religiously, every day for weeks applying this cream twice a day. But somehow I felt bad, rushed kind of , and sort of carried along - when normally I would have stopped and collected myself and searched out more kinder and natural means of self healing. Everything was just fast, fast, fast and people's reactions were clear CANCER =FEAR and Fear = Fight.
Although I didn't like what was happening and nor did I like the pain resulting from the use of this cream, it took me a full 7 weeks before I slowed down enough to begin to treat myself my way. It had been 3 weeks since the end of my last treatment and the specialist agreed with me that although some of it had been removed (a simple procedure by tweezers lifting the dead skin away) it appeared that there was maybe still some activity there. I knew that, because I could feel the cancer spot heat up, - but not all the time.
I was informed that the next step would be to have to cut some of it off for a specific diagnosis (to access cancer services etc..) and I knew that this could be dangerous because it only takes one cancer cell to be 'disturbed' and to move away and down into my body without anyone knowing. Also there would be scarring and it would show. I decided then to wait until I calmed down.
At that point I finally decided to talk to my cancer.
In my mind's eye or imagination I looked over and down to my right and I asked my spot what it was trying to say to me. And boy, a very pouty voice came rushing out. "I told you not to go back to that job!". I was stunned, it was a pouty voice and I never pouted...."Exactly!" my Higher Self informed me, "Why would you have ever tried to pout as a child when there were no parents around to hear or react to you ?" Oh! Good point, I thought to myself. This makes sense, the pouty voice must have been in the shadow side of myself.
So I said to the spot. " Holy Cow, that's it... You want me to quite my job?!" (yet, again, I thought to myself - as I had already left after 13 long years) "Yes!" "You had promised that you would never go back!" I gulped, the cancer spot was right.
I knew it was right, and there was more I knew, judging by the number of people I was currently working with who had been diagnosed with all kinds of serious cancers. Something was really wrong with this job... for me anyways.
My spot had been heating up a lot and when I promised it immediately I would quit my job, it cooled down !!!
I gave my notice and then I used my extra time to talk more with my cancer.
In my mind's eye I went as a male General to visit with the male General of the cancer community. I had read somewhere on the net, that cancer cells are nonaerobic, so my plan was to make friends with them and get them moving in the hopes of killing them off!
My General met with the Cancer General and we sat side by side on cloth sling back chairs on the desert landscape of my skin, as if we were sunning ourselves. We greeted each other respectfully whilst at the same time knowing that we were each on extreme guard.
We had a cool non alcoholic drink and sat and made small talk. All the while I could see his troops (the cancer cells busy back at their little community) we both pretended we had all the time in the world to sit and drink and chat.
We instinctively sensed strength in each other and we had an inherent respect for one another. We knew we wanted to find a solution without going to war.
My General sincerely apologized for the chemotherapy cream and after explaining about the fear in the world right now about cancer and the compounded effects of the reactions of those around me, he understood why I had gone along with it, even though it hadn't felt right. He brought over a few of his key people and they heard my General apologize and then we all knew we were now on an even playing field. (Luckily ! I had given my notice at my job and had listened to the cancer sore, or I think I would have been toast by then!). At the very least I would have lost respect.
We talked and visited daily and I tried to get his troops to run, swim, move etc.. but it didn't seem to do anything expect provide them with something to do, other than grow and spread. So I guess that was a good thing.....
And in the physical world I began to notice that when I did things that were not in my highest good, the cancer spot would heat up and when I made decisions that were in my best interests, it would cool down. This pattern became more apparent over time and I began to start to view my cancer as a kind of barometer of sorts and I started to feel friendlier towards it. The spot would also grow or shrink depending on the level of self care I aspired to and even my partner witnessed the changes in it's size and shape. I began to learn what improved self care looked like for me. And I began to really pay attention and listen.
My cancer had become my new friend and now I didn't want to get 'rid' of it. It would heat up at times which would cause me to look deeper into myself and my activities until I found the places I needed to change.
Occasionally when I would visit my family doctor she would admit that there were changes in the sore spot but she was stubborn in her stance to get rid of it saying, "Yes, BUT it is still there". And it seemed as if she and I were symbolically like the two generals. She with one opinion and me with another, yet both still respecting each other's position, while still staying watchful.
One day I went back and talked to my cancer again. General to General, we both admitted we could kill each other. He me, by going inside and me him, by cutting him out of this host body. Still neither of us, were ready to act.
My doctor had left me with this thought and this question? If I did as it asked and quit my job, why is it still here? I couldn't answer this and then I noticed the sore heating up and growing a bit. Why, why, why, I asked myself? And one day I admitted to myself, that I had been waiting until this September to decide about actually going back to my job on a very casual basis AND I HAD BEEN CAUGHT. My cancer had known of my secret plans and this is why it wasn't going anywhere!
It was small, it was stubborn, but it was honest brave and true. It had a whole body (and mind) to fight and it didn't budge. I couldn't believe the denial I had gone into, thinking that going back to that job was a solution. I didn't have one friend or family member (or answer to prayer) that thought it was a good idea, so why had I ? I had to go deep into myself to find the answer to that one. And again, I had to promise my cancer spot that I wouldn't go back.
I also had noticed that my sore looked different to me now in my mind's eye. Before it had been symbolically black, as if the cells were oil slicked and heavy but now it was looking like tall black reeds with small button tops, and they were actually swaying like reeds in a gentle current. So something was going on, but I wasn't sure what it was.
Then someone I loved began to have a horrible experience with this work place (although this took place in another city). It was awful to witness and it brought back many memories of injustices and heartbreak I had seen there, watching humans behave badly towards others. I had actually forgotten most of this stuff and I now saw this job had lost it's heart a long time ago and was like a dying system, due to impermeable boundaries. Hard on the outside and empty on the inside.
After supporting my loved ones through their trauma I rested and let go of that stress. Then my General went back this time contritely and humbly to my cancer spot with a big thank you for hanging in there. They were a small community, a small troop, were barely heard and yet they had hung in there waiting for me to come from my heart once again. They had known all along that I had forgotten so much and that because of that forgetting I was still vulnerable to going back. My General spoke for my whole self in saying that my cancer was my hero and my friend. I was (and am) very grateful.
I now began sensing that the cancer was looking different to me because it was telling me that it was ready to leave now. It's job is done. So, I made an appointment to see my doctor who quickly made an appointment with a specialist for next week, but to me, everything felt peaceful and done.
Postscript: I attended the specialist's office where I was perfunctorily informed that this was only a scar, (a scar from what? I thought, I had, had no injury). But he appeared too busy to talk, although he did look over my upper torso and away I went. My body the scene of a quiet adventure, one he would never know.
Healing using Poetry
Healing with the use of Poetry
Background: My underlying philosophy was to attempt to stop defending myself when I became cognizant of an irrational sense of panic that would arise when confronted with very specific events. I would first attempt to find a way to stay with the feelings of panic and then see what lay behind my thoughts and feelings attached to the panic.
Then I wanted to express my experience in the form of a poem. In order to do this I allowed myself some time to specifically invite and welcome the 'dreaded feelings of panic' - which is when I experienced a surprising result. Please enjoy :)
My Innocence Returned
I let the panic come.
But, this time
I found a way to stay.
I didn't move,
as it washed over me,
a tsunami of emotion.
This once,
I did not keep 'busy',
defending myself
against my thoughts
of what I called, "Panic".
Instead I found myself
set free.
The thoughts no more,
....than thoughts
rendered harmless,
their effects,
no more.
It was then
that I felt,
something coming.
A treasure,
being revealed.
A presence emerging
Pale translucent,
she once hid.
The colors of night
all around her
embedded
in shades of darkest blue.
"Hello", I said softly
and she looked at me.
"You are beautiful", I said,
So innocent and pure.
You are that part of me
which left in fear.
And all this time,
when I felt the panic
I had run too.
I never once imagined
you were hidden
under it.
Your gentle presence,
waiting in the dark.
A little willingness,
to but change my mind
released and rescued
us both in time.
I found you !
My Innocence Returned
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